Summer’09

When i look back to see how my past 3 months went. involuntarily a smile just comes to my face. These holidays went so fast that i never paid attention to it, but now that i come to think of it, i am happy the way it all went.
For a start my stay in Indore was great, intern was fun and enriching. Made some new friends and had a great time with old ones. I now realize how hard it would have been if it was not for my friends being there. Staying 2 months that way would have been hard and above all not fun.
It feels good at home here in Patiala. The house is new and has a nice view of fields which can be mesmerizing in morning and evening. After all Home is ‘Home’.
I’ll be leaving for Delhi in 2 days and will stay for 3 more after which i have my flight to Guwahati. I have finally started to miss college now but it’s just a week more to go and what place is better than home to be at in this last week .

a look into the darkness

ever had that feeling of not being happy when you are supposed to, not being excited when you are meant to be, rather a little emptiness, feels like something still incomplete, still wanting you to remain restless…… and what that thing is, remains unclear. Wanna fight that feeling????.. how possibly you can???….its just like being trapped in a room staring into the darkness, you cant see a clue, you just dont have light for that, everything seems the same, just pitch black, not even air is moving….. what can you expect more……
At these times you feel you need someone who hears your voice and unlocks that door to the world again for you……

Thoughts…..

Humans were given a great gift, possession of thoughts, no matter how big how small, how great how menial, how god or how bad, we just possess them….. and they are our own
The randomness and variety of thoughts a mere human can possess is scary, and not always we can convey all to everyone, trust me one thought that you convey can even change the perception people have for you and this fear is the reason for secrecy we all tend to possess ,some call it the demons within…… i call it the better half…
At times our own thoughts can scare ourselves, they may be so horrid that we are not able to imagine oneself in that scenario…. and they even might be the reason preventing us from doing something we consider immoral..
Thoughts open up a world of infinite possibilities, touched by no other soul than your own, a world where you are the god, where you can experiment before entering the reality, a tool given to us humans to survive and to move ahead…
At times our mind is flooded with thoughts, making a solution unimaginable, its like dealing with numerous variables all at the same time, a continuous pressure prevails to search for an answer, at times even multiple, mind is filled with chaos, trying to juggle between the conscious and the unconscious, nothing else able to draw your attention, like overflowing water in a glass the mind struggles to decide, which one to let go of and which one to preserve..
All this keeps you struggling on the boundary of sanity and madness……..

Lost

lost are the words
that once came out loud
lost is the touch
dead and not aroused

lost are the thoughts
once profound
lost is the hope
only darkness around

lost is the feel
the feel of the place
lost i m
lost with no grace….

is this the end
or maybe its the start
is it like a bullet
no wait it’s a dart

it moves slow
poisoned at an end
once it will pierce
in blood it will blend

is the change good
or is it bad
i don’t really know
it’s just plain sad…

mirror mirror……

woke up at 1 am, sleepy eyes but i need to get up and study…..somehow carried myself to the washroom, same old, the only difference being the cement and tiles lying around.

3 splashes of water on my face..and i m still dizzy…half in real world…half dream……weird memories running through my head…..some from past and some trying to define a future

Finally i gathered all my strength, saw myself in the mirror and asked “dude, what is love???????????”

Ya as if being on the other side of the mirror, i may know; ya right, and i laugh sarcastically on my own self…..

But lemme think; maybe this was an unconscious/conscious/semi-conscious (ya u guessed right, i have nooooo idea) attempt to see myself and my life from outside myself. a bird’s eye view; which i guess miserably failed.

Coming to think of it, ya i really am confused on this. Is it just being happy with someone??? or care for someone or the feeling that ‘ask watever and i’ll try my best to help’ or that feeling of warmth when being near her or that jealous feeling of someone being more near than urself or that feeling of being downed whever u think she has no idea how much u do care or that stupid feeling when u wanna talk more and she just hangs u up…………………..long list and still no answer….

(splash) and finally i try hard to get out of my semi-trance state, water trickling down, even that is making a noise.

and i have a last gaze at me gazing at myself hoping that the figure in mirror will magically speak and will clear me of all the doubts i have…..

Silence…

ever thought how torturous silence can be???? The moment when you want to say something, but have no idea of what can happen, the time when every sentence you pull can be misunderstood, every thing you tell can be used against you, above all a fear, fear of distance; having no sense,will my attempts fill the trench or will just widen it…..this silence speaks way louder than any noise, can send chills down ur spine, mind stops to think or is that the only thing it does??? I myself am never able to differentiate…….

….

this is the time
when u see in the eyes
of the world passing by
to know
that there is no one
no one to follow

no light shines by
no path is true
what u thought the world to be
it never did knew.

Survival and living….

a question always strikes my mind , to which i always try to answer myself. Assuming we all get food, clothes and shelter, which we do get, what makes us happy; or let me re frame,
“what decides that someone is surviving or living???”
The 3 basic necessities make sure that we all are alive physically,but what decides that we are living???
I had a discussion with a teacher of mine some days ago, it was quite similar.The basic point of discussion was that why do we live??? Only thing i could say was, to stay happy, maybe…… we had no solutions.
But what struck my mind was, what makes us continue the journey??? Maybe for some it is the curiosity to know what next?? or the hope that tomorrow will be better, brighter…….
But now we all are following the path….what decides that who will be doing it more efficiently or i would say more ‘lively’???
This last question is hardest to answer for me. I try to be observant, but this world has a lot of variations, but yes there are some common points too.
The sense of love makes the road easier, for you always know there is someone you can fall back to, to some it never matters how you look, how you talk, they just love you for small things that make ‘you’. Whenever you are downed, they will try their best to get you back to your lovable sense, to get that smile back on your face that they always long for, to see you also enjoying the course of life, making it easier for them and you too. They’ll tease you with that happy face without a slightest touch of wrong feelings, will even become laughing stock and still smile, just for you; because the happiness that would provide has no match in this world, with any magnitude of joy, and i tell you if you have missed that, you have missed something!!!!

Someday

not exactly a poem… a song

Someday we’ll fly,
the sky so high
will come down
on your feet
to let u breathe…….

And there’ll be no rain , no clouds
only the sun shining loud
and you, will smile
smile at me…..

Someday you’ll smile at me

emotions [a theory]…

ppl talk a lot about emotions….this, that,blah blah blah….being frank, i don’t care…i hav my own theories [:P]

we assume heart[where we generally say emotions reside] to be a river, emotions are pretty much like fishes living in it….small one overpowered by bigger stronger fish. They also struggle to survive as we juggle through our life, our priorities and our principles. Now depending upon which fish is fed more, they grow and dominate. Now when it grows and if you want to get rid of that particular emotion, it has to be starved to death; but wait , not so simple; it will eat other fishes to satisfy the hunger even if we don’t feed it. So starving to death seems a bad idea huh. Thats what we all do; if i wanna control anger i will just try not to get angry, but thats not the answer. That will only lead to an imbalance.

The answer could be; feed the other fishes more, make them powerful and let them dominate the so called food chain. It’s the task of a good emotion to get rid of a bad one. Meaning; if i want to get rid of my anger, stop thinking of anger, even ” i m not gonna get angry”; instead ignore and just feed the happy emotion, or any other for that matter. This would eventually dilute the emotion to be supressed without an imbalance.